Visiting Home (?)

I am "home" in Fargo-Moorhead...the FM area, as it is called because even though the Red River divides the states of Minnesota and North Dakota, the towns seem to roll along as one.

I have had a unidentifiable creeping sensation the last few days, as if in a dream.  It's only been a week since driving out of Georgia, yet I am missing it so, and my life there.  Here, my life seems blurry, a little lacking in definition.  Then it came to me this morning during a cup of coffee and sadness.  It no longer feels like home here.  I didn't go home, I left home.  I am an alien, a Visitor, a ghost of days gone by.

My favorite place to be when here is with my daughters family...it is wonderful to actually converse in person, get and give hugs and kisses, watch faces as we play and talk and eat and rest together.  But it's much different from visiting my daughter in Washington.  The reason is I am pulled in other directions.

As much as I love to be with Tracy, I also love seeing my Mom and sisters, which sometimes seems like a balancing act.  In Washington there is no other competing family doings.  Certainly, this is no problem...it can fill a day and it's nice to be busy.  I am just never prepared for the emotional strain I cause within myself.  Guilt because I am not seeing Mom every day is the ever-present feeling and I try my hardest to get there at some point morning, afternoon or evening.  Some days are just impossible.  I also want to help with my grandkids and do as much with them as I can.

I have to come to grips with the fact that I am a tourist and you know that when one vacations, they still cannot do everything or see everything they want.  I am confident that God will steer me on this trip because I really am an alien, tourist, visitor anywhere I go.  My home is in heaven with Him and one day I will go HOME for good.  There will be no guilt, no balancing act, no sadness....and I will still be with the ones I love!