I started the new year exactly as I start every morning, reading the Word of God. On this day that many of us plan to start or revive something that will put us back on track, like exercising or dieting, it’s important to keep the good routines we have established. It’s important to keep God in His proper place...#1.
I read today, in 2nd Timothy, where Paul is telling Timothy to “fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you” (NLT). This resonated in my own soul, as I, too, have heard similar words. Several years ago, I accompanied my daughter Robin and family to THE STOREHOUSE in Olympia for prayer. The first time, the lady who prayed with me asked God for insight and told me of the picture He gave her. She said I had a garden with plantings and a well-stocked gardening shed. I was to reach up on the top shelves for an item that needed to be used but was very dusty from neglect. In fact, there were several nice looking, dusty items on that top shelf. She said they were my spiritual gifts and I needed to dust them off and use them for the glory of God. They would help the garden to grow. God gave me these gifts and I have not used them to work at the plans He has for me. I left there convicted.
I don’t know what He wants me to do other than to be a help and encouragement to others on the journey. At times, I have started to write a book, but I realize I lack the discipline for such an endeavor. I have some sewing to finish up, some books to finish reading, and there’s always housework, dog chores, and exercise classes. I also get caught up in tasks for others I wish to bless, including volunteer work.
On a subsequent visit to THE STOREHOUSE the focus was more on my name and that I was a warrior for God and needed to fight the good fight with Him. I was also told that I was a seeker of truth. I could also identify with that....but I feel that I am still in a dusting mode of my spiritual gifts and I fear the one I neglect the most is my writing.
Lord, You can help me in this hour of searching. I am wondering about a venue for my writing...is it a book? Is it this blog? Is it letters of encouragement to others? I know we can do this together and I just need to listen more closely. I thank You for the message and memories Your Word in 2nd Timothy provided this morning. I know that as I read Your Word, You talk to me. I invite You to fill my thoughts and take them captive. Help me focus on others more and on myself less. Help me always focus through the lens of Your eyes and Your love. In Jesus name, Amen.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Monday, September 26, 2016
Four Leaf Memories
Its the last week of September and time to start my morning walks with Belle. It was 71 degrees when I left the house and only 73 on my return so I did very well until a couple blocks from home when my hot flashes resumed and nearly took my breath away. I dragged into the yard dripping wet and feeling like I had run a marathon instead of walking a mile. (Yes, I am starting slow.)
What I had forgotten was the unexpected memories of my Dad that come upon me out of nowhere on my walks and soon we were walking together and singing. Dad was a great singer in that he would just belt it out no matter how it sounded. He taught us plenty of good songs and some funny ones on car trips to see Grandparents and Cousins. I often serenade Belle and anyone in listening distance when I walk or even just sit on the deck. I guess I do take after him in some ways.
Someone in the neighbor hood had seeded their yard and put up yellow tape around it. Of course, Belle wanted to pee on it. What I noticed amid the weeds, grass, and straw, was clusters of clovers and upon closer inspection...many four-leaf clovers! I wanted to run and tell my sisters, but even more than that, I wanted to pick some. Then came the song...."I'm looking over a four leaf clover, that I overlooked before....1st leaf is sunshine, the 2nd is rain...." Oh, what fun!
And you know that one memory will lead to another and I am at the dining room table on the farm making a poster for 4-H....drawing out a four-leaf clover...practicing square dancing with my club for the Variety Show At the NDSU Field House, which may have been called the Alex Nemzick Field House at the time...baking bread and sewing for the Red River Valley Fair demonstration exhibits. Ah, another world.
I thank you God for the good memories. I am glad I can never forget my Dad and would never even try.
What I had forgotten was the unexpected memories of my Dad that come upon me out of nowhere on my walks and soon we were walking together and singing. Dad was a great singer in that he would just belt it out no matter how it sounded. He taught us plenty of good songs and some funny ones on car trips to see Grandparents and Cousins. I often serenade Belle and anyone in listening distance when I walk or even just sit on the deck. I guess I do take after him in some ways.
Someone in the neighbor hood had seeded their yard and put up yellow tape around it. Of course, Belle wanted to pee on it. What I noticed amid the weeds, grass, and straw, was clusters of clovers and upon closer inspection...many four-leaf clovers! I wanted to run and tell my sisters, but even more than that, I wanted to pick some. Then came the song...."I'm looking over a four leaf clover, that I overlooked before....1st leaf is sunshine, the 2nd is rain...." Oh, what fun!
And you know that one memory will lead to another and I am at the dining room table on the farm making a poster for 4-H....drawing out a four-leaf clover...practicing square dancing with my club for the Variety Show At the NDSU Field House, which may have been called the Alex Nemzick Field House at the time...baking bread and sewing for the Red River Valley Fair demonstration exhibits. Ah, another world.
I thank you God for the good memories. I am glad I can never forget my Dad and would never even try.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Celebrating Uncle Will
When I was young, I thought Uncle Will was so exotic, like a South American with his dark hair and skin, his slow smile and deep,laugh. And so tall! I was so excited to be "picked" to help serve at their wedding. He was so handsome and Lynda was such a beautiful bride that I believe it was at that point I started dreaming of my own one day wedding. And, I was also drawn to tall, thin men.
Time went on and Lynda and Will had three kids. They lived an extremely exciting life in the Cities...at least it seemed like that to me, and I loved to go and visit. Those days are a little bit hazy but I remember the apartment with outdoor access through a window, I think....but lots of stairs to climb to get there.
There was a period of time during my first marriage when I was out of touch with family but the great thing about family is that one can magically appear after several years and everyone treats you the same, no explanations needed, hugged back into the fold. Well, that's exactly the way Lynda and Will were with everyone who came into their lives. Like an oasis in a desert, they extended a helping hand. In every situation.
I always admired Will for his ability to adapt and his sportsmanship. He went along with some things he may not have particularly picked or thoroughly enjoyed...because people he loved enjoyed them. He put others first. Even recently on a visit from Gayle and I he agreed to play some cards, but just a couple hands. Still, he did it.
When Will had become ill the first time, Jim and I were newly retired for the first time, too, and were in a position to help out. We came and stayed about three months while Will underwent treatments and eventually successful surgery. The plan was for Jim to help out with the business during this time and I thought I could be some help or company too, since Lynda was still working part-time.
Well, my sweet computer nerd engineer got to participate in puremidwest manual labor during a colder winter than Jim had ever experienced. The first day of work, before they even went outside, Will tried to define COLD for Jim. He told Jim, "When you get in the truck and the seats don't give, you know it's cold."
Uncle Will showed Jim the ropes and Jim was amazed at his strength. He said Will could fling big tractor tires like frisbies. After a bit, Lynda was Jim's partner on the route. When they came to the first tractor tire, Jim thought, oh no....this is gonna be tough. Lynda said no problem as she proceeded to stack regular tires. First a stack of three (about truck level), then two, then one and she just rolled that tractor tire up those tire steps. Jim was impressed.
Will and Jim enjoyed watching some TV together in the evenings. We were already hooked on NCIS, like Will, but while we were there we got hooked on 24 and also enjoyed Boston Legal. In the truck and at home there we'd listen to Rush and sometimes Hannity. When we travel now we will still look for them on the radio.
Many of you may have heard stories about Belle, but in case you haven't, Belle is our Jack-Rat who came along in the McCullough package deal. We found out that she is a cancer-sniffing dog....at least that is our claim. She jumped up in Will's lap, sniffed his chest and layed down and stayed right there - day after day. However, after Will's surgery, Belle jumped up in his lap, took one sniff, and jumped back down. She didn't get up in his lap again.
Jim and I consider Lynda and Will as immediate family and their big hearts put together have been a huge powerhouse. We received the blessing of living life with them and we love them so much. I can't wait to join you in heaven one day, Uncle Will...farewell until then.
Time went on and Lynda and Will had three kids. They lived an extremely exciting life in the Cities...at least it seemed like that to me, and I loved to go and visit. Those days are a little bit hazy but I remember the apartment with outdoor access through a window, I think....but lots of stairs to climb to get there.
There was a period of time during my first marriage when I was out of touch with family but the great thing about family is that one can magically appear after several years and everyone treats you the same, no explanations needed, hugged back into the fold. Well, that's exactly the way Lynda and Will were with everyone who came into their lives. Like an oasis in a desert, they extended a helping hand. In every situation.
I always admired Will for his ability to adapt and his sportsmanship. He went along with some things he may not have particularly picked or thoroughly enjoyed...because people he loved enjoyed them. He put others first. Even recently on a visit from Gayle and I he agreed to play some cards, but just a couple hands. Still, he did it.
When Will had become ill the first time, Jim and I were newly retired for the first time, too, and were in a position to help out. We came and stayed about three months while Will underwent treatments and eventually successful surgery. The plan was for Jim to help out with the business during this time and I thought I could be some help or company too, since Lynda was still working part-time.
Well, my sweet computer nerd engineer got to participate in puremidwest manual labor during a colder winter than Jim had ever experienced. The first day of work, before they even went outside, Will tried to define COLD for Jim. He told Jim, "When you get in the truck and the seats don't give, you know it's cold."
Uncle Will showed Jim the ropes and Jim was amazed at his strength. He said Will could fling big tractor tires like frisbies. After a bit, Lynda was Jim's partner on the route. When they came to the first tractor tire, Jim thought, oh no....this is gonna be tough. Lynda said no problem as she proceeded to stack regular tires. First a stack of three (about truck level), then two, then one and she just rolled that tractor tire up those tire steps. Jim was impressed.
Will and Jim enjoyed watching some TV together in the evenings. We were already hooked on NCIS, like Will, but while we were there we got hooked on 24 and also enjoyed Boston Legal. In the truck and at home there we'd listen to Rush and sometimes Hannity. When we travel now we will still look for them on the radio.
Many of you may have heard stories about Belle, but in case you haven't, Belle is our Jack-Rat who came along in the McCullough package deal. We found out that she is a cancer-sniffing dog....at least that is our claim. She jumped up in Will's lap, sniffed his chest and layed down and stayed right there - day after day. However, after Will's surgery, Belle jumped up in his lap, took one sniff, and jumped back down. She didn't get up in his lap again.
Jim and I consider Lynda and Will as immediate family and their big hearts put together have been a huge powerhouse. We received the blessing of living life with them and we love them so much. I can't wait to join you in heaven one day, Uncle Will...farewell until then.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Weekend Wonderland
I keep thinking of a song that begins with the line..."I couldn't sleep at all last night..." And I know why. Just like the children asleep on Christmas Eve with visions of sugar plums, I, too, attempted to sleep with jumbled visions of the movies I have seen and the books I have read in the last four days...dancing in my head.
It all started with the books - WONDER, then on to TUCK EVERLASTING, and finally, the beginning of BREADCRUMBS. Add to that, the movies - THE JUNGLE BOOK, SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES, TUCK EVERLASTING (naturally), and movie trailers for SHAUN THE SHEEP. And that makes for a perfect potion, or porridge of possibilities. Swimming among these scattered thoughts and memories are the changes I saw made, the changes I would have made, and the family adventures of the weekend.
We were like characters in a book or movie...traveling to another land, Oregon. We stayed in a rented home that was an idyllic cottage with most of the trimmings. Two doors down and across the street, the neighbors grew fairy tale fences of tall sunflowers. A short Noah's-Ark-walk on a painted pedestrian crossing brought us into another land of games, dares, contests, and awaiting friendships. The playground was something like we had never seen and was enough to even delight the eleven year old, not to mention us adult children. It was built like a wood maze with towers that boasted fire escape poles, holes with tire swings to climb down to, slides, swings, obstacle courses, and sandbox.
Another playground awaited us at the public park on Columbia River...with a swimming beach. The rainbow scene on the water was a marvelous parade of wind surfers, kite surfers, kayaks, sailboats and swimmers. We toured a Farmer's Market and talked with local artisans while wishing we had deep pockets of money to take home all the treasures we discovered. We visited some amazing and some rather ratty second hand and vintage stores, toured a blown glass garden and shop, and drove the beautiful countryside taking in the winding sights of Hood River...while Mt. Hood grandly stood guard.
On the trip down, we visited Muhultomah Falls and we switched our route on the way back, stopping at Beacon Rock and enjoying a picnic smorgasbord...but to get across the river from Oregon back to Washington, we crossed a bridge...which one usually must do to cross a river. The notable detail of this bridge, though, is that someone had named it. It is probably a name that has gone down in history from the very first rickety crossing that has now become a very sturdy steel structure. It's name struck me and made me think heavenward....THE BRIDGE OF THE GODS. To me, there should be no S, as there is but one God. Still, it keeps me in this cocoon I am in. This protective feeling of being in a fairy tale with a happy ending.
To that point, I know I will have a happy ending. In my heavenly home. My fairy tale moments of life are huge blessings from my God who loves me more than I can fathom. He loves me even more than I can love my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my family, my friends, my dog, and God's people. Every experience I am granted here on earth are gifts from Him. The things I can see and feel and experience...good and bad...teach me more about Him and about love. I am so grateful for the smallest things and in such awe of them, too. With the big things, I am simply overwhelmed, sometimes speechless, and all I can do is praise Him and enjoy. That is what I also wish for anyone reading this. In big moments and small moments...enjoy, and praise Him!
It all started with the books - WONDER, then on to TUCK EVERLASTING, and finally, the beginning of BREADCRUMBS. Add to that, the movies - THE JUNGLE BOOK, SPIDERWICK CHRONICLES, TUCK EVERLASTING (naturally), and movie trailers for SHAUN THE SHEEP. And that makes for a perfect potion, or porridge of possibilities. Swimming among these scattered thoughts and memories are the changes I saw made, the changes I would have made, and the family adventures of the weekend.
We were like characters in a book or movie...traveling to another land, Oregon. We stayed in a rented home that was an idyllic cottage with most of the trimmings. Two doors down and across the street, the neighbors grew fairy tale fences of tall sunflowers. A short Noah's-Ark-walk on a painted pedestrian crossing brought us into another land of games, dares, contests, and awaiting friendships. The playground was something like we had never seen and was enough to even delight the eleven year old, not to mention us adult children. It was built like a wood maze with towers that boasted fire escape poles, holes with tire swings to climb down to, slides, swings, obstacle courses, and sandbox.
Another playground awaited us at the public park on Columbia River...with a swimming beach. The rainbow scene on the water was a marvelous parade of wind surfers, kite surfers, kayaks, sailboats and swimmers. We toured a Farmer's Market and talked with local artisans while wishing we had deep pockets of money to take home all the treasures we discovered. We visited some amazing and some rather ratty second hand and vintage stores, toured a blown glass garden and shop, and drove the beautiful countryside taking in the winding sights of Hood River...while Mt. Hood grandly stood guard.
On the trip down, we visited Muhultomah Falls and we switched our route on the way back, stopping at Beacon Rock and enjoying a picnic smorgasbord...but to get across the river from Oregon back to Washington, we crossed a bridge...which one usually must do to cross a river. The notable detail of this bridge, though, is that someone had named it. It is probably a name that has gone down in history from the very first rickety crossing that has now become a very sturdy steel structure. It's name struck me and made me think heavenward....THE BRIDGE OF THE GODS. To me, there should be no S, as there is but one God. Still, it keeps me in this cocoon I am in. This protective feeling of being in a fairy tale with a happy ending.
To that point, I know I will have a happy ending. In my heavenly home. My fairy tale moments of life are huge blessings from my God who loves me more than I can fathom. He loves me even more than I can love my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my family, my friends, my dog, and God's people. Every experience I am granted here on earth are gifts from Him. The things I can see and feel and experience...good and bad...teach me more about Him and about love. I am so grateful for the smallest things and in such awe of them, too. With the big things, I am simply overwhelmed, sometimes speechless, and all I can do is praise Him and enjoy. That is what I also wish for anyone reading this. In big moments and small moments...enjoy, and praise Him!
Saturday, January 3, 2015
The Power of Eleven!
What a fun day! One little phone call changed my outlook today as I listened to the exuberance in the voice of the birthday girl! I asked questions and got answers I expected and some I didn't. We sang her the birthday song that is our trademark on their day and now I am having my second cup of coffee over the replays in my mind.
Natalie Grace is eleven years old today and wise for her age, but still a child. She looks so grown up when allowed to wear a little blush and maybe some mascara for special events like the Christmas Eve service at church, but she is still a sweet, innocent child who is always questioning, listening, and learning.
One of her Christmas gifts was a gift certificate for Rock Wall Climbing....something I have never been interested in, but suggested we do it together on my next visit because of her love for it...because I want to get a place in and stay in her world....because her enthusiasm for new adventures entices me to think that I can do it too!
They had planned to go sledding at Paradise on Mt. Ranier today for her birthday. But the snow didn't come. No problem, the new plan is snowshoeing and I can't wait for the pictures. Years ago, before Natalie was born or even planned, Tracy and I had Thanksgiving in Washington with Ted and Robin, which included showshoeing at Paradise. What fun, and what a workout! I secretly wish I were there with them right now instead of airing out the kitchen from the potholder fire I started when I picked the wrong knob to heat water in the tea kettle. (But Jim is working on a Hardee's biscuit recipe that smells heavenly.)
Natalie's mom made a birthday cake from scratch, she proudly tells me, and they are taking it to the lodge and will celebrate with cake when they are done snowshoeing. Can't you just get a picture of that in your mind? This brand new eleven year old was as excited about that as anything!
We bought her an early gift while we were there for Christmas. She loved my purse so we let her pick one out. She wanted a similar color and a lot of zippers like mine has. She also wanted to be able to wear it cross-body like I do in crowds and when traveling. We went through several in a couple stores until she found THE ONE. She carried it around while humoring me, she agreed we could still keep looking and keep an eye on that one. But there was no denying it. After several attempts by Jim to interest her in another...she simply said LETS JUST PAY FOR THIS ONE. Now she tells me with great pride that she takes her purse everywhere she is allowed to and wears it like I do.
I am so grateful Natalie has good parents who have set rules, who have standards of conduct for their children and use common sense to reason out the gray areas of parenting a pre-teen. I am also grateful to this sweet girl, our first grandchild, who we have been learning to grandparent from for these eleven years. She is gentle and patient with us and still loves us through our mistakes, wrong
sizes, forgotten promises, and panned plans.
Oh, and can you guess, I love being a Grandma!!!
Natalie Grace is eleven years old today and wise for her age, but still a child. She looks so grown up when allowed to wear a little blush and maybe some mascara for special events like the Christmas Eve service at church, but she is still a sweet, innocent child who is always questioning, listening, and learning.
One of her Christmas gifts was a gift certificate for Rock Wall Climbing....something I have never been interested in, but suggested we do it together on my next visit because of her love for it...because I want to get a place in and stay in her world....because her enthusiasm for new adventures entices me to think that I can do it too!
They had planned to go sledding at Paradise on Mt. Ranier today for her birthday. But the snow didn't come. No problem, the new plan is snowshoeing and I can't wait for the pictures. Years ago, before Natalie was born or even planned, Tracy and I had Thanksgiving in Washington with Ted and Robin, which included showshoeing at Paradise. What fun, and what a workout! I secretly wish I were there with them right now instead of airing out the kitchen from the potholder fire I started when I picked the wrong knob to heat water in the tea kettle. (But Jim is working on a Hardee's biscuit recipe that smells heavenly.)
Natalie's mom made a birthday cake from scratch, she proudly tells me, and they are taking it to the lodge and will celebrate with cake when they are done snowshoeing. Can't you just get a picture of that in your mind? This brand new eleven year old was as excited about that as anything!
We bought her an early gift while we were there for Christmas. She loved my purse so we let her pick one out. She wanted a similar color and a lot of zippers like mine has. She also wanted to be able to wear it cross-body like I do in crowds and when traveling. We went through several in a couple stores until she found THE ONE. She carried it around while humoring me, she agreed we could still keep looking and keep an eye on that one. But there was no denying it. After several attempts by Jim to interest her in another...she simply said LETS JUST PAY FOR THIS ONE. Now she tells me with great pride that she takes her purse everywhere she is allowed to and wears it like I do.
I am so grateful Natalie has good parents who have set rules, who have standards of conduct for their children and use common sense to reason out the gray areas of parenting a pre-teen. I am also grateful to this sweet girl, our first grandchild, who we have been learning to grandparent from for these eleven years. She is gentle and patient with us and still loves us through our mistakes, wrong
sizes, forgotten promises, and panned plans.
Oh, and can you guess, I love being a Grandma!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Missing Mom
Mom came home with me when I left Fargo. Perhaps I should say home with us, as my sister Gayle was along. Gayle stayed a few days then went home. Mom and I went about our days. We shopped, we toured places, we lunched, we played cards, we watched tv and read. We did normal things. I had more planned. I wanted to take her to Stone Mountain. I wanted her to see Callaway Gardens, especially the chapel on the lake. I wanted to sit on the porch and talk more.
While Gayle was here, I got out the calendar and started talking about which days she wanted to go to Gayles. She didn't want to and I figured it was because she needed to settle in a bit more. Gayle seemed to understand and did not make a big deal of it. If she comes, she comes. What a great attitude, but I thought I could feel her disappointment. So, several days after Gayle left, I broached the subject again. We called Gayle and she mentioned 'her' Rick's birthday was that weekend and that spurred mom on..."birthday cake" she exclaimed!
We hit the road Thursday after work, having lunch on the road which was messier than I had anticipated. I realized that I never really think in advance that Moms dominant right hand is unusable. (Since her stroke). We had a good supper there and I left about noon the next day, thinking I would see Mom within a week, if not sooner.
Gayle really thought of everything. She had gotten her a jigsaw puzzle to work, and planned to get more. There were movies to watch and a trip to the mountains on the weekend for Ricks birthday. I am constantly in awe of this little sister who seems to have it all together. And, as I drove away, I had a thought that this may be the perfect place for Mom. Gayle didn't have a part-time job to contend with, a book club to attend, and other trappings I enjoy.
So I get word that they are coming back in Sunday. I had really hoped it would be sooner. Then later....that it may be next Monday or Tuesday depending on some work her truck needed. I offered to come and my help was refused. Gayle wanted to drive her back. Now I have feelings to sort out and I need to get out of myself and look at this from Moms point of view.
I miss having her here. I feel I didn't get much time with her alone. But I have to focus on the reason I asked her to come. I wanted her to experience the wonderfullness of the south, whether it's my Georgia or Gayles South Carolina. I wanted her to see this as an option for the cold winters in Fargo. (Of course, if Mom were to be here with me longer than a week, I would quit my two mornings a week job.)
Truth be told, I have missed Mom for much longer than this week. I have missed her since I moved out east in 2001. And I have missed her even more since her stroke since she suffers with aphasia and it is really hard to have a phone conversation with someone who sometimes can only get out one sentence or two and its sometimes a repeat of what you have just said.
When I lived in Fargo, I would see her for lunch a couple days a week, spend Saturday afternoons at her condo, go shopping with her and talk on the phone every other day. I miss Mom. And I have to think she also misses me and those days. Even after I moved, we would spend hours in the phone a couple days a week. Wow...we all need to savor the time we have with loved ones while we and they are able.
While Gayle was here, I got out the calendar and started talking about which days she wanted to go to Gayles. She didn't want to and I figured it was because she needed to settle in a bit more. Gayle seemed to understand and did not make a big deal of it. If she comes, she comes. What a great attitude, but I thought I could feel her disappointment. So, several days after Gayle left, I broached the subject again. We called Gayle and she mentioned 'her' Rick's birthday was that weekend and that spurred mom on..."birthday cake" she exclaimed!
We hit the road Thursday after work, having lunch on the road which was messier than I had anticipated. I realized that I never really think in advance that Moms dominant right hand is unusable. (Since her stroke). We had a good supper there and I left about noon the next day, thinking I would see Mom within a week, if not sooner.
Gayle really thought of everything. She had gotten her a jigsaw puzzle to work, and planned to get more. There were movies to watch and a trip to the mountains on the weekend for Ricks birthday. I am constantly in awe of this little sister who seems to have it all together. And, as I drove away, I had a thought that this may be the perfect place for Mom. Gayle didn't have a part-time job to contend with, a book club to attend, and other trappings I enjoy.
So I get word that they are coming back in Sunday. I had really hoped it would be sooner. Then later....that it may be next Monday or Tuesday depending on some work her truck needed. I offered to come and my help was refused. Gayle wanted to drive her back. Now I have feelings to sort out and I need to get out of myself and look at this from Moms point of view.
I miss having her here. I feel I didn't get much time with her alone. But I have to focus on the reason I asked her to come. I wanted her to experience the wonderfullness of the south, whether it's my Georgia or Gayles South Carolina. I wanted her to see this as an option for the cold winters in Fargo. (Of course, if Mom were to be here with me longer than a week, I would quit my two mornings a week job.)
Truth be told, I have missed Mom for much longer than this week. I have missed her since I moved out east in 2001. And I have missed her even more since her stroke since she suffers with aphasia and it is really hard to have a phone conversation with someone who sometimes can only get out one sentence or two and its sometimes a repeat of what you have just said.
When I lived in Fargo, I would see her for lunch a couple days a week, spend Saturday afternoons at her condo, go shopping with her and talk on the phone every other day. I miss Mom. And I have to think she also misses me and those days. Even after I moved, we would spend hours in the phone a couple days a week. Wow...we all need to savor the time we have with loved ones while we and they are able.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Visiting Home (?)
I am "home" in Fargo-Moorhead...the FM area, as it is called because even though the Red River divides the states of Minnesota and North Dakota, the towns seem to roll along as one.
I have had a unidentifiable creeping sensation the last few days, as if in a dream. It's only been a week since driving out of Georgia, yet I am missing it so, and my life there. Here, my life seems blurry, a little lacking in definition. Then it came to me this morning during a cup of coffee and sadness. It no longer feels like home here. I didn't go home, I left home. I am an alien, a Visitor, a ghost of days gone by.
My favorite place to be when here is with my daughters family...it is wonderful to actually converse in person, get and give hugs and kisses, watch faces as we play and talk and eat and rest together. But it's much different from visiting my daughter in Washington. The reason is I am pulled in other directions.
As much as I love to be with Tracy, I also love seeing my Mom and sisters, which sometimes seems like a balancing act. In Washington there is no other competing family doings. Certainly, this is no problem...it can fill a day and it's nice to be busy. I am just never prepared for the emotional strain I cause within myself. Guilt because I am not seeing Mom every day is the ever-present feeling and I try my hardest to get there at some point morning, afternoon or evening. Some days are just impossible. I also want to help with my grandkids and do as much with them as I can.
I have to come to grips with the fact that I am a tourist and you know that when one vacations, they still cannot do everything or see everything they want. I am confident that God will steer me on this trip because I really am an alien, tourist, visitor anywhere I go. My home is in heaven with Him and one day I will go HOME for good. There will be no guilt, no balancing act, no sadness....and I will still be with the ones I love!
I have had a unidentifiable creeping sensation the last few days, as if in a dream. It's only been a week since driving out of Georgia, yet I am missing it so, and my life there. Here, my life seems blurry, a little lacking in definition. Then it came to me this morning during a cup of coffee and sadness. It no longer feels like home here. I didn't go home, I left home. I am an alien, a Visitor, a ghost of days gone by.
My favorite place to be when here is with my daughters family...it is wonderful to actually converse in person, get and give hugs and kisses, watch faces as we play and talk and eat and rest together. But it's much different from visiting my daughter in Washington. The reason is I am pulled in other directions.
As much as I love to be with Tracy, I also love seeing my Mom and sisters, which sometimes seems like a balancing act. In Washington there is no other competing family doings. Certainly, this is no problem...it can fill a day and it's nice to be busy. I am just never prepared for the emotional strain I cause within myself. Guilt because I am not seeing Mom every day is the ever-present feeling and I try my hardest to get there at some point morning, afternoon or evening. Some days are just impossible. I also want to help with my grandkids and do as much with them as I can.
I have to come to grips with the fact that I am a tourist and you know that when one vacations, they still cannot do everything or see everything they want. I am confident that God will steer me on this trip because I really am an alien, tourist, visitor anywhere I go. My home is in heaven with Him and one day I will go HOME for good. There will be no guilt, no balancing act, no sadness....and I will still be with the ones I love!
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