I was out walking my dog, 8 year old jack-rat Belle, the other day. I had 3 grocery bags tied to the leash handle, as some days are a 3 bag day, and was wearing my bright orange Southside Baptist Church tee. This was unusual for me, as I usually steer clear of bright colors on my dog walk, preferring old white t-shirts from my 'fishing clothes collection'.
We were on a one-bag day as we neared the elementary school. The kids were out in full force, doing timed runs with the P.E. instructor shouting encouragement and stopwatch readings through a megaphone. Now, the children at this school have seen Belle often enough and been corrected often enough, but I let it go today as they yelled to me when they passed the fence. "Hey. Nice chihuahua!" "I like your chihuahua, lady!" "What a cute chihuahua!" But besides that, a few looked me in the eye and said "Hi!". They usually just talk about Belle or to Belle. I thought I recognized them but maybe some of their many faces were separating out and bcoming distinct in my mind. Or, perhaps it was the shirt and they recognized their church!
We rounded the front and went along the far side where there was a line of trees and vines, cut back a bit for extra parking along the school field. It was here, in the long grass, along the tree stand, where Belle had a need. Not usually venturing into 'wilderness', I usually left IT if not out in the open and in tall grass. For some reason, I looked back at the field and saw two girls who had stopped and were watching us. Feeling instant shame for the thought to leave it, I untied a bag, put my hand in it, and bent to scoop up Belle's deposit hearing both the girls..."Euwww, she's picking it up! Euwwww!".
At that point they were encouraged to "Pick it up, girls!" and as they began jogging, I heard one remark to the other, "And she goes to Southside like me!"
For the rest of our walk, I wondered if the story would be retold by her on Sunday and if it would be told with pride that a church member picks up after her dog or told with exaggerated disgust as the gross things dog owners have to do...and a warning....when she's a greeter, don't shake her hand!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Memories of Mom
I am missing my mom today. The last time I called to talk with her, she gave the phone to Ken, my step-dad and he didn't feel like talking. I will try again today.
I was looking through an old journal I was keeping on my cookbook bookshelf, as I had started recording recipes in it...when I came upon an old entry:
-------------
11/21/2004
"Mom had a TIA this afternoon and is in Innovis, Room 522. The CAT scan, compared to one taken a week ago, shows nothing of significance - no change, that is. She was dehydrated so has IV's for fluids. Her veins were pretty shot from the prednisone, so they blew a couple on one arm before they found one on the other arm. She's crying - doesn't want to be here. She's lost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks...absolutely no interest in food now. Can't even take her crackers with her pills so gags them down and spits them up later because of her empty stomach.
Dan said, "Ma's not having fun anymore." She's also lost interest in the daily paper. These sound like the same 'warning signs' we got from Hospice when Dad was dying...like the progression of death. I know it's not the same, it just reminds me of that time, with Dad. Mom's been in a wheelchair now for a week, due to her feet. She always had a great capacity for pain and I wonder if her 'weakness' was more than that, perhaps her feet bothered her long before the sugery? It's true, as Pam said, Mom is now leading Ken's ideal life because she doesn't have a choice. If she did, she'd do more and go places. She would manage her own money and at least get cards and send them late for her kids and grandkids birthdays. That was Mom.
I miss my best friend who I could talk to about anything. I'd often ask for advice and she'd give it to me but never tell me how to live my life, what to do, or how to feel. I miss her hugs and kisses and her telling me she loves me. I miss my favorite traveling companion...we shared a sense of adventure and loved to shop together and see new places, meeting new people. I miss my book reviewer. We'd read new books and share them or let the other know not to bother, as our tatstes were similar. We didn't go for romance novels, but liked the Best-Sellers lists and mystery& suspence or history. We also enjoyed spiritual and fantasy readings...as in The Harry Potter books and The Left Behind series. Mom loved Stephen King, too, and we read The Green Mile together when it first came out in installments.
Since I'd moved away, we sometimes had long chats over the phone and it really was like being down the street...popping in anytime for a cup of coffee and some chit chat. I miss my Mom so much! I'm here in Georgia, working at the church and living with a good husband. I'm traveling, meeting people, making friends and I know my Mom is in a dirty, smelly apartment, sitting in a corner of a dirty, smelly couch - possibly still in her PJ's - watching mindless TV. I don't know what she's thinking but maybe she's able to 'turn it off' and just be numb to keep from jumping out of her skin with extreme agitation and the rage of not being able to communicate. Maybe she's found a way to cope. maybe she's sad that she doesn't get calls like she used to.
I know I feel guilt, and so do my sisters. Why do I treat her differently? It's frustrating and I am stuck in mourning what WAS. I am thinking of myself and so ashamed at what I have turned into. I hear lots of things and sometimes get so mad at Ken and don't want to have to talk with him. Then, when I do, my heart goes out a little to him, too. He's lonely and missing Mom, too, and she's sitting right there. What is the plan, God?"
------------
Well, since I had written this (about 7 years ago), Mom has learned to communicate better and although she has had more sugery and hospital stays, her spirits are generally pretty good. She gets around with a cane and they are both living in an Assisted Living complex. Her life is better than it was when they lived in the apartment. Ken has had some health issues and even though he likes to complain, I believe he's glad they are in this facility. I don't get to visit often but I call and get to talk to her at least 50% of the time. Mom turned 79 this year and has endured much better, under the circumstances, that I ever thought she would. God is good and he is in control!
I was looking through an old journal I was keeping on my cookbook bookshelf, as I had started recording recipes in it...when I came upon an old entry:
-------------
11/21/2004
"Mom had a TIA this afternoon and is in Innovis, Room 522. The CAT scan, compared to one taken a week ago, shows nothing of significance - no change, that is. She was dehydrated so has IV's for fluids. Her veins were pretty shot from the prednisone, so they blew a couple on one arm before they found one on the other arm. She's crying - doesn't want to be here. She's lost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks...absolutely no interest in food now. Can't even take her crackers with her pills so gags them down and spits them up later because of her empty stomach.
Dan said, "Ma's not having fun anymore." She's also lost interest in the daily paper. These sound like the same 'warning signs' we got from Hospice when Dad was dying...like the progression of death. I know it's not the same, it just reminds me of that time, with Dad. Mom's been in a wheelchair now for a week, due to her feet. She always had a great capacity for pain and I wonder if her 'weakness' was more than that, perhaps her feet bothered her long before the sugery? It's true, as Pam said, Mom is now leading Ken's ideal life because she doesn't have a choice. If she did, she'd do more and go places. She would manage her own money and at least get cards and send them late for her kids and grandkids birthdays. That was Mom.
I miss my best friend who I could talk to about anything. I'd often ask for advice and she'd give it to me but never tell me how to live my life, what to do, or how to feel. I miss her hugs and kisses and her telling me she loves me. I miss my favorite traveling companion...we shared a sense of adventure and loved to shop together and see new places, meeting new people. I miss my book reviewer. We'd read new books and share them or let the other know not to bother, as our tatstes were similar. We didn't go for romance novels, but liked the Best-Sellers lists and mystery& suspence or history. We also enjoyed spiritual and fantasy readings...as in The Harry Potter books and The Left Behind series. Mom loved Stephen King, too, and we read The Green Mile together when it first came out in installments.
Since I'd moved away, we sometimes had long chats over the phone and it really was like being down the street...popping in anytime for a cup of coffee and some chit chat. I miss my Mom so much! I'm here in Georgia, working at the church and living with a good husband. I'm traveling, meeting people, making friends and I know my Mom is in a dirty, smelly apartment, sitting in a corner of a dirty, smelly couch - possibly still in her PJ's - watching mindless TV. I don't know what she's thinking but maybe she's able to 'turn it off' and just be numb to keep from jumping out of her skin with extreme agitation and the rage of not being able to communicate. Maybe she's found a way to cope. maybe she's sad that she doesn't get calls like she used to.
I know I feel guilt, and so do my sisters. Why do I treat her differently? It's frustrating and I am stuck in mourning what WAS. I am thinking of myself and so ashamed at what I have turned into. I hear lots of things and sometimes get so mad at Ken and don't want to have to talk with him. Then, when I do, my heart goes out a little to him, too. He's lonely and missing Mom, too, and she's sitting right there. What is the plan, God?"
------------
Well, since I had written this (about 7 years ago), Mom has learned to communicate better and although she has had more sugery and hospital stays, her spirits are generally pretty good. She gets around with a cane and they are both living in an Assisted Living complex. Her life is better than it was when they lived in the apartment. Ken has had some health issues and even though he likes to complain, I believe he's glad they are in this facility. I don't get to visit often but I call and get to talk to her at least 50% of the time. Mom turned 79 this year and has endured much better, under the circumstances, that I ever thought she would. God is good and he is in control!
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Jagged Edges of Friendship
Everyone is touched by friendship. It is a keen observer in our lives. We can't really do without it well, but it sometimes seems more trouble than it's worth. The problems in friendships could be people because friendships with animals seem so much more satisfactory. However, when you get right down to it, 'satisfactory' is not a box beside our name that we would like to have checked. We would rather risk the lows to experience the highs, because without one or the other, all we are left with is 'satisfactory'.
So, we weigh the worth of our experiences and needs against our future expectations. After disappointments, betrayals, and lies...we try to forgive and trust again. We try to accept people for who they are and we quit trying to shame them or shape-change them into a certain mind mold.
We may try to evaluate the sum and total of our coexistance in each others lives to determine if the friendship is beneficial in any way, or salvageable.
However, I do believe when we do this, we must also check the balance of the scales in our greatest friendship. Who am I to judge someone else? Have I disappointed my Lord and Savior who actually gave up His life for me? Does He want me to have friendships based on how I can benefit from them and what they add ot my life...or, does He want me to be the light-bearer in friendships and BE Jesus to others? Does He not continually forgive me when I do or say something boneheaded? Does He not show me mercy?
Lord, teach me to be a better friend, that people will see You in me!
So, we weigh the worth of our experiences and needs against our future expectations. After disappointments, betrayals, and lies...we try to forgive and trust again. We try to accept people for who they are and we quit trying to shame them or shape-change them into a certain mind mold.
We may try to evaluate the sum and total of our coexistance in each others lives to determine if the friendship is beneficial in any way, or salvageable.
However, I do believe when we do this, we must also check the balance of the scales in our greatest friendship. Who am I to judge someone else? Have I disappointed my Lord and Savior who actually gave up His life for me? Does He want me to have friendships based on how I can benefit from them and what they add ot my life...or, does He want me to be the light-bearer in friendships and BE Jesus to others? Does He not continually forgive me when I do or say something boneheaded? Does He not show me mercy?
Lord, teach me to be a better friend, that people will see You in me!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Living in the Lull
I've felt without purpose for awhile. In between my part-time jobs, I am anticipating the next. So, I have been working, or looking forward to working, and planning how to work my everyday chores around my job. Now, I am jobless...except for a courrier job for 3 hours two days a week. Now, I have more time on my hands to do the projects I have put off...to clean...to 'home-make'. So, why don't I?
I can't say I'm bored. When there are so many possibilities of things I could do, and so many things that really need to be done, bored is just not right. I clean a little, read a little, eat a little....but am still found wanting. Why?
Perhaps it's the tenuous nature of our lives right now. Maybe it's the unknown. I don't think it's fear, for I know God provides. Could be guilt. Guilt that Jim is looking for full-time work and I am not even looking could be blocking some of my daily joy. I could be robbing myself of joy? Well, yes, that's usually who does it...we do it to ourselves.
On our dog-walk this morning, the word LULL just rushed at my brain and penetrated! I am in a lull, as in the lull before a storm where you can't really do too much or go too far because a storm is coming. Something is coming, indeed, and I have much to do to get ready. I have made a list of my own personal money-saving ideas and realized, if done properly, the savings can purchase TWO plane tickets for me and Jim. Or, the money could go toward paying the cable bill for a year. Either way, it's a start.
I am planning baby-quilts and looking at material, something that's been on hold while working. I am picking up my writing exercises and looking at my violin. Maybe that's what the lull is for...getting my creative juices flowing again. There is much to do, achem...there is alot of FUN and JOY to be had...mine for the taking!
After the babies come, I will look for full-time work. But, I will remain open to the voice of the Lord, who can change my plans to line up with His, in an instant! Lord, continue to fill me daily and help me make good use of this lull!
I can't say I'm bored. When there are so many possibilities of things I could do, and so many things that really need to be done, bored is just not right. I clean a little, read a little, eat a little....but am still found wanting. Why?
Perhaps it's the tenuous nature of our lives right now. Maybe it's the unknown. I don't think it's fear, for I know God provides. Could be guilt. Guilt that Jim is looking for full-time work and I am not even looking could be blocking some of my daily joy. I could be robbing myself of joy? Well, yes, that's usually who does it...we do it to ourselves.
On our dog-walk this morning, the word LULL just rushed at my brain and penetrated! I am in a lull, as in the lull before a storm where you can't really do too much or go too far because a storm is coming. Something is coming, indeed, and I have much to do to get ready. I have made a list of my own personal money-saving ideas and realized, if done properly, the savings can purchase TWO plane tickets for me and Jim. Or, the money could go toward paying the cable bill for a year. Either way, it's a start.
I am planning baby-quilts and looking at material, something that's been on hold while working. I am picking up my writing exercises and looking at my violin. Maybe that's what the lull is for...getting my creative juices flowing again. There is much to do, achem...there is alot of FUN and JOY to be had...mine for the taking!
After the babies come, I will look for full-time work. But, I will remain open to the voice of the Lord, who can change my plans to line up with His, in an instant! Lord, continue to fill me daily and help me make good use of this lull!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Blast From the Past.1
But, I was thinking about our past and what brought us together in the first place, somewhat amazed that this friendship ever even got started. By my family's standards, her family was rich. Our parents did not know each other. She lived in the city; I lived in the country. She was popular, I was not. We had very few classes together. I was in orchestra, she was not. I don't remember how it all got started, but it did.
We had sleep-overs, or I would stay in town instead of taking the bus home and get a ride home with mom after work. We'd babysit together on her jobs and my jobs. We'd take the bus uptown and shop together, stopping at the White Drug Cafe, in the basement of the White Drug...for Tab's and french fries with catsup. (There was no Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi at the time, just Tab or Fresca!) At that time, the White Drug was located on the Penny's block in Fargo, ND.
As I reminiced, I realized our main connection was that we were both boy-crazy! Still, so was just about every girl out age. Then something else sunk in....she was a city girl who loved the country and I was a country girl who loved the city! Her Dad had a ranch with horses close to our farmstead and she loved horses. I liked them, too, but I had a motorcycle instead of a horse. We were from different worls and that appealed to each of us.
We drifted apart the last couple years of high schoool, but I would reccomend looking up your old friends...we picked up right where we left off and if there was any kind of old baggage...it vaporized with the years! At the time of our 40 year reunion, we hadn't seen each other for 30 years. I am so glad she is back in my life!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Making a Life in 2011
"You make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing." The Forgotten Garden, by Kate Morton
THIS NEW YEAR will be different. No promises. No plans. Not even any really firm ideas. For years, I have been trying to simplify my life and I am getting there. It's a place that is comfortable. No huge expectations are looming over my head, unless I put them there...so I am trying to be kinder to myself. I am trying to complain less and remember how blessed I am. I know that if I do not like my circumstances, I can pray and also work towards change.
One of the changes I have been slowly working on is a healthier lifestyle. I am not in a hurry. I prefer progress over perfection in most things. (I will miss Coke Cake at Cracker Barrel but may be able to share one with a couple friends, down the road. Usually 3-4 bites with coffee suffices, anyway.) Some things I look forward to are: keeping up better with grandkids, not hating to have my picture taken, being able to buy clothes that fit just right in ALL the places, distance walking, having more reserve energy in my evenings with Jim, and being able to get off blood pressure medication.
As I strive for more physical stamina, I also strive for more spiritual awareness and knowledge. I am more faithful in my walk with Him and desire to obey and serve Him with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. The Lord gave me a simple poem a few nights ago when I couldn't sleep. As usual, He didn't finish it for me so I struggled through a sort of finish that still needs work:
CONTENTMENT
A full heart is what I have
Readjusted dreams come true
With memories worth the save
And some to throw away, too
Leave the past where it belongs
The future's bright to behold
No need to dwell on all the wrongs
Therefore, go forth! Be Bold!
THIS NEW YEAR will be different. No promises. No plans. Not even any really firm ideas. For years, I have been trying to simplify my life and I am getting there. It's a place that is comfortable. No huge expectations are looming over my head, unless I put them there...so I am trying to be kinder to myself. I am trying to complain less and remember how blessed I am. I know that if I do not like my circumstances, I can pray and also work towards change.
One of the changes I have been slowly working on is a healthier lifestyle. I am not in a hurry. I prefer progress over perfection in most things. (I will miss Coke Cake at Cracker Barrel but may be able to share one with a couple friends, down the road. Usually 3-4 bites with coffee suffices, anyway.) Some things I look forward to are: keeping up better with grandkids, not hating to have my picture taken, being able to buy clothes that fit just right in ALL the places, distance walking, having more reserve energy in my evenings with Jim, and being able to get off blood pressure medication.
As I strive for more physical stamina, I also strive for more spiritual awareness and knowledge. I am more faithful in my walk with Him and desire to obey and serve Him with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. The Lord gave me a simple poem a few nights ago when I couldn't sleep. As usual, He didn't finish it for me so I struggled through a sort of finish that still needs work:
CONTENTMENT
A full heart is what I have
Readjusted dreams come true
With memories worth the save
And some to throw away, too
Leave the past where it belongs
The future's bright to behold
No need to dwell on all the wrongs
Therefore, go forth! Be Bold!
Jim, Rainie, and me
(Rainie belongs to James and Jamie)
Rainie is our newest grandchild
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