Missing Mom

Mom came home with me when I left Fargo.  Perhaps I should say home with us, as my sister Gayle was along.  Gayle stayed a few days then went home.  Mom and I went about our days.  We shopped, we toured places, we lunched, we played cards, we watched tv and read.  We did normal things.  I had more planned.  I wanted to take her to Stone Mountain.  I wanted her to see Callaway Gardens, especially the chapel on the lake.  I wanted to sit on the porch and talk more.

While Gayle was here, I got out the calendar and started talking about which days she wanted to go to Gayles.  She didn't want to and I figured it was because she needed to settle in a bit more.  Gayle seemed to understand and did not make a big deal of it.  If she comes, she comes.  What a great attitude, but I thought I could feel her disappointment.  So, several days after Gayle left, I broached the subject again.  We called Gayle and she mentioned 'her' Rick's birthday was that weekend and that spurred mom on..."birthday cake" she exclaimed!

We hit the road Thursday after work, having lunch on the road which was messier than I had anticipated.  I realized that I never really think in advance that Moms dominant right hand is unusable.  (Since her stroke). We had a good supper there and I left about noon the next day, thinking I would see Mom within a week, if not sooner.

Gayle really thought of everything.  She had gotten her a jigsaw puzzle to work, and planned to get more.  There were movies to watch and a trip to the mountains on the weekend for Ricks birthday.  I am constantly in awe of this little sister who seems to have it all together.  And, as I drove away, I had  a thought that this may be the perfect place for Mom.  Gayle didn't have a part-time job to contend with, a book club to attend, and other trappings I enjoy.

So  I get word that they are coming back in Sunday.  I had really hoped it would be sooner.  Then later....that it may be next Monday or Tuesday depending on some work her truck needed.  I offered to come and my help was refused.  Gayle wanted to drive her back.  Now I have feelings to sort out and I need to get out of myself and look at this from Moms point of view.

I miss having her here.  I feel I didn't get much time with her alone.  But I have to focus on the reason I asked her to come.  I wanted her to experience the wonderfullness of the south, whether it's my Georgia or Gayles South Carolina.  I wanted her to see this as an option for the cold winters in Fargo.  (Of course, if Mom were to be here with me longer than a week, I would quit my two mornings a week job.)

Truth be told, I have missed Mom for much longer than this week.  I have missed her since I moved out east in 2001.  And I have missed her even more since her stroke since she suffers with aphasia and it is really hard to have a phone conversation with someone who sometimes can only get out one sentence or two and its sometimes a repeat of what you have just said.

When I lived in Fargo, I would see her for lunch a couple days a week, spend Saturday afternoons at her condo, go shopping with her and talk on the phone every other day.  I miss Mom.  And I have to think she also misses me and those days.  Even after I moved, we would spend hours in the phone a couple days a week.  Wow...we all need to savor the time we have with loved ones while we and they are able.

Visiting Home (?)

I am "home" in Fargo-Moorhead...the FM area, as it is called because even though the Red River divides the states of Minnesota and North Dakota, the towns seem to roll along as one.

I have had a unidentifiable creeping sensation the last few days, as if in a dream.  It's only been a week since driving out of Georgia, yet I am missing it so, and my life there.  Here, my life seems blurry, a little lacking in definition.  Then it came to me this morning during a cup of coffee and sadness.  It no longer feels like home here.  I didn't go home, I left home.  I am an alien, a Visitor, a ghost of days gone by.

My favorite place to be when here is with my daughters family...it is wonderful to actually converse in person, get and give hugs and kisses, watch faces as we play and talk and eat and rest together.  But it's much different from visiting my daughter in Washington.  The reason is I am pulled in other directions.

As much as I love to be with Tracy, I also love seeing my Mom and sisters, which sometimes seems like a balancing act.  In Washington there is no other competing family doings.  Certainly, this is no problem...it can fill a day and it's nice to be busy.  I am just never prepared for the emotional strain I cause within myself.  Guilt because I am not seeing Mom every day is the ever-present feeling and I try my hardest to get there at some point morning, afternoon or evening.  Some days are just impossible.  I also want to help with my grandkids and do as much with them as I can.

I have to come to grips with the fact that I am a tourist and you know that when one vacations, they still cannot do everything or see everything they want.  I am confident that God will steer me on this trip because I really am an alien, tourist, visitor anywhere I go.  My home is in heaven with Him and one day I will go HOME for good.  There will be no guilt, no balancing act, no sadness....and I will still be with the ones I love!