I am missing my mom today. The last time I called to talk with her, she gave the phone to Ken, my step-dad and he didn't feel like talking. I will try again today.
I was looking through an old journal I was keeping on my cookbook bookshelf, as I had started recording recipes in it...when I came upon an old entry:
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11/21/2004
"Mom had a TIA this afternoon and is in Innovis, Room 522. The CAT scan, compared to one taken a week ago, shows nothing of significance - no change, that is. She was dehydrated so has IV's for fluids. Her veins were pretty shot from the prednisone, so they blew a couple on one arm before they found one on the other arm. She's crying - doesn't want to be here. She's lost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks...absolutely no interest in food now. Can't even take her crackers with her pills so gags them down and spits them up later because of her empty stomach.
Dan said, "Ma's not having fun anymore." She's also lost interest in the daily paper. These sound like the same 'warning signs' we got from Hospice when Dad was dying...like the progression of death. I know it's not the same, it just reminds me of that time, with Dad. Mom's been in a wheelchair now for a week, due to her feet. She always had a great capacity for pain and I wonder if her 'weakness' was more than that, perhaps her feet bothered her long before the sugery? It's true, as Pam said, Mom is now leading Ken's ideal life because she doesn't have a choice. If she did, she'd do more and go places. She would manage her own money and at least get cards and send them late for her kids and grandkids birthdays. That was Mom.
I miss my best friend who I could talk to about anything. I'd often ask for advice and she'd give it to me but never tell me how to live my life, what to do, or how to feel. I miss her hugs and kisses and her telling me she loves me. I miss my favorite traveling companion...we shared a sense of adventure and loved to shop together and see new places, meeting new people. I miss my book reviewer. We'd read new books and share them or let the other know not to bother, as our tatstes were similar. We didn't go for romance novels, but liked the Best-Sellers lists and mystery& suspence or history. We also enjoyed spiritual and fantasy readings...as in The Harry Potter books and The Left Behind series. Mom loved Stephen King, too, and we read The Green Mile together when it first came out in installments.
Since I'd moved away, we sometimes had long chats over the phone and it really was like being down the street...popping in anytime for a cup of coffee and some chit chat. I miss my Mom so much! I'm here in Georgia, working at the church and living with a good husband. I'm traveling, meeting people, making friends and I know my Mom is in a dirty, smelly apartment, sitting in a corner of a dirty, smelly couch - possibly still in her PJ's - watching mindless TV. I don't know what she's thinking but maybe she's able to 'turn it off' and just be numb to keep from jumping out of her skin with extreme agitation and the rage of not being able to communicate. Maybe she's found a way to cope. maybe she's sad that she doesn't get calls like she used to.
I know I feel guilt, and so do my sisters. Why do I treat her differently? It's frustrating and I am stuck in mourning what WAS. I am thinking of myself and so ashamed at what I have turned into. I hear lots of things and sometimes get so mad at Ken and don't want to have to talk with him. Then, when I do, my heart goes out a little to him, too. He's lonely and missing Mom, too, and she's sitting right there. What is the plan, God?"
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Well, since I had written this (about 7 years ago), Mom has learned to communicate better and although she has had more sugery and hospital stays, her spirits are generally pretty good. She gets around with a cane and they are both living in an Assisted Living complex. Her life is better than it was when they lived in the apartment. Ken has had some health issues and even though he likes to complain, I believe he's glad they are in this facility. I don't get to visit often but I call and get to talk to her at least 50% of the time. Mom turned 79 this year and has endured much better, under the circumstances, that I ever thought she would. God is good and he is in control!
